As I was driving down the road I realized I was just mad. I was furious and sick of it. I can’t believe this had happened, AGAIN! I was just filled with anger at myself!
I was irritated that I had to deal with the same old messages again. They had returned and caused me to sabotage my confidence and my business. These messages moved back in without me noticing and became rooted deep inside and moved around throughout my thoughts and words.
I have since found them and kicked them back out. Dealing with them again had left me mad that I let them return. I just thought I had out grown them.
As I drove, I realized that this anger was not going to serve me. I needed to deal with it. Then I saw a sign for ‘road construction’. My mood was going downhill fast! Then it hit me. I am under road construction! I started to think about road construction and my internal stuff I had just gone through.
I am not happy to be delayed with road construction. I don’t like to have my drive be interrupted. Whenever possible I avoid road construction. But in the summer in Minnesota it is unavoidable. It is frustrating I don’t know how long I will be delayed. I feel stuck! Just like my old messages. I am not happy I had to deal with them again! I couldn’t avoid them and I was frustrated with how long it took to deal with them. I felt stuck.
I am discouraged that my mood is so affected by blocked traffic. It won’t make the road construction delay go faster. It just ruins my mood! Just as I realized being angry with myself wasn’t going to change anything. It just ruined my mood!
I realize that a road doesn’t last forever. Sometimes a road just needs a few pot holes filled, which helps it last for few more years. I remember hitting a few pot holes in my self-esteem. I was sharing negative messages about myself. I didn’t fix them, I just bumped over them. A road deteriorates over time. Then it will need to be repaved. A few years ago, I repaved my self-confidence. I was feeling great, but the old messages were still under the surface. Like old pot holes, which made a weak spot in my self-confidence. And like a road it wore down.
There are times when a road needs major repair work or a total redesign. The breaking up of the old surface, hauling it away. Digging all the way down to start at the very beginning. Then rebuilding one level at a time. Major road work takes time, lots of time. That was exactly what I have been dealing with the past few months. I have been in the middle of major repair work! I was rebuilding one level at a time and feeling great. Except I was angry I had to do it again. Until I realized I needed some internal road construction!
A new road is so much fun to drive on. It just looks so clean and feels so smooth. I have often wondered how long that look and feel lasts. Like now, I feel great about who I am and what I am doing in my life and my business. I feel like I am on a new road.
For years engineers have tried to figure out how to get roads to last longer and longer. But they cannot build a road to last forever! I thought my self-confidence was so strong that nothing could crack through. That I won’t have negative thoughts take hold. But the constant messages around me wore down my confidence. As much as it pains me to say this I know that I will get new pot holes in my confidence. I can’t build it strong enough to never need repaving.
I need to remember, I am strong enough to keep repaving and even rebuilt when my self-confidence needs it again.